An interview with Artemis Fowl: Version 2
by Venom Wolf
Summary: The title says it all. A one shot story, about a fairy reporter who has to interview Artemis Fowl. Some bits you'll recognise, other bits you probably won't. Thanks to Bloody Dead Rose for the tip.


**Summary: The title says it all. A one shot story, about a fairy reporter who has to interview Artemis Fowl. Some bits you'll recognise, other bits you probably won't. (Thanks to Bloody Dead Rose for the tip.)**

**Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl belongs to Eion Colfer. The answers he gives to the questions weren't made up by me either. They are based on information found on the official website and in the Artemis Fowl fact file. I did a lot of research.**

**Anyway, here's the story. **

**Silverfang4**

Interview with Artemis Fowl

Simone couldn't believe her pointy ears. She was new at reporting and already she was given this major story to write! INTERVIEW WITH ARTEMIS FOWL. MUD BOY REVEALS ALL. They should have given me something small to write, Simone thought furiously as she dug a z-pod (rather like a hi- tec tape recorder)out of her bag and switched it on. She struggled to hide her nervousness as Artemis was just sitting across the table from her. He didn't appear to be nervous at all. On the contrary, he was leaning back in his seat, looking at her over steepled fingers.  Simone noticed that his skin was pale and lifeless. Artemis' dark blue eyes were extremely unnerving. 

Maybe he's spent too much time out of the sun, she thought. Or maybe he's already dead and people are too afraid to mention it to him.

"Well ? Are you going to interview me or not ? I am a very busy man you know." Artemis' voice was cold and mocking. Simone decided to get on with it. The quicker it was over, the quicker she could get home, away from this creepy mud boy.

"Okay, I'll ask you the basics. What are your likes and dislikes ?"

Artemis thought about it and spoke. "I like computers, designer suits and well trained personnel. I also prefer impressionist art, classical music and fine food, such as caviar.

My dislikes are badly tailored suits, other teenagers, law-enforcement agencies and not being a billionaire." Here Artemis took a drink from the bottle of mineral water on the table. He frowned. "I also hate having mineral water served to me at room temperature." 

Picky, thought Simone. It's just a bottle of mineral water. "How about your favourite song, book and movie?"

"My favourite song is Vivaldi's Four Seasons. My favourite book is The Criminal mind by F. Roy Dean Schlippe, and my favourite movie is any one in which the bad guy wins."

"Er…right. What about place and date of birth?" Simone tried not to tap her fingers on the desk. It was a habit of hers whenever she was nervous.

"I was born in the Sister of Mercy's maternity ward on September 1st. When I entered the world I was quite calm. I didn't struggle or cry. Even when the doctor smacked my bottom, my only response was to spear him with already focused eyes. The nerve of the man !" Artemis scowled at the reporter, who had snorted.

Simone couldn't help laughing out loud. She could hardly imagine anyone smacking Artemis Fowl's bottom.

"I insist you stop laughing immediately."

"Sorry, but it's pretty funny." she took a deep breath and asked her next question. "Your deepest wish ?"

"A difficult question, I have so many ambitions. Obviously, the main one is to restore the family fortune, so reduced by my father's attempt to expand his enterprise into Russia."

"Next question. Your most treasured possession ?"

Artemis paused. "Can a person be a possession ? Well if so, my dearest possession is my bodyguard, Butler. Without him I would have perished a dozen times over. Butler makes my more dubious enterprises possible by his physical presence. In other words, he's big and he scares people."

"You've visited many locations around the world in your quest for the Fairy Book. Which was your favourite location and why ?"

Artemis sighed and sipped from his bottle of mineral water. Then, remembering it was served at room temperature, swallowed it in disgust. "On my quest for the book, I was totally obsessed. Scenery meant nothing to me. I regret not paying more attention now of course. If I had to choose a favourite place, I would say Fowl Manor. A cliché, I know, but home is where the hidden reserves of gold are."

"I think the saying's home is where the heart is, mud-boy. So, how long did it take to crack the Fairy Code ?"

"Ah yes, cracking the code." Artemis smirked. " One of my better moments. It is so satisfying to achieve something that has flummoxed the great minds throughout the centuries. Anyway, how long did it take ? Fourteen of the most intense hours of my life." He leaned forward in his seat and looked curiously at  Simone, who was taking something out of her bag and grinning.

"What are you doing ?" he asked her.

"I ask the questions, not you. So who scared you the most: the LEPrecon unit or the troll ?"

.

Artemis sighed again. "I really must object to the word scared. Analytical minds do not get scared. I was concerned by these two things. Of the two, I would say the troll concerned me the most. He would as soon eat a fool as a mastermind. It's all meat to him." He was getting slightly wary of  Simone now. Perhaps she was a relative of Holly. They certainly looked quite similar.

"What do you do when not on your computer ?"

"I do tend to spend too much time on the computer. I occasionally stroll through Saint Stephen's Green Park  in central Dublin simply to observe human nature. If I am to exploit people, best to know what they are capable of. I am trying to persuade Butler to teach me self-defence, but he insists that defence is his job." Artemis waited for the next question. Really, this fairy was getting quite irritable. She was still smiling at him.

"Now, I've just received a statement from your own website, and wanted to check if it was true or not." Simone waved a printed sheet that she'd taken from her bag, and began to read it aloud. 

Artemis groaned inwardly. That Eion Colfer. What had he written now ?

"Artemis is a character torn between his desire for riches, and his developing conscience. Half of him wants to steal from the rich, and the other half wants to give to the poor."

Artemis Fowl ? Giving to the poor ? He raised an eyebrow. "That is complete nonsense. I have a secret ambition to sue Eion Colfer for defamation and libel. All those lies."

Simone paused. Ah ha. Suing a certain mud-children's author. How very interesting. "How do you feel about him writing about you and the LEP?"

"I feel that has included far too many jokes. Take the first book for example. My home was surrounded by armed and dangerous members of the Lower Elements police, determined to get back their fairy captain. But I was equally determined not to return her until the People paid the ransom. There were laser battles, gassy dwarfs and bloodthirsty trolls. I don't see anything humorous there. But that's Colfer for you. Drop him in a dung pit and he would see the funny side." He scowled and stared at Simone. "But he will do for now."

"All right….." Artemis completely ignored Simone. He carried on. "Sometimes I think that man doesn't take me seriously."

"Fine. He doesn't take you seriously. My next question is-"

"Of course, children are a lot more intelligent then adults. I would advise you to ignore the ridiculous and often disgusting jokes contained in the books." Artemis gave his wolfish smile. "Well, I really must be going now. Business to attend to." And with that he got up and exited the building.

Simone stared at the table for a couple of minutes and started to write her article.

They really should be giving her the major stories more often.    

**Well, that's it folks. I hope you enjoyed it and found out more about Artemis Fowl. Anyway, I've got an idea for my next fan fic, but I need your help. It goes a little something like this :**

**Rat Race**

**Summary: A sort of reality TV kind of thing. It's a race for 18 million. Who will get there first ? **

**I have some idea of what contestants I'd like in it : Artemis Fowl, Holly Short, Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, Crash Bandicoot (yes, you read that right.)and Coco Bandicoot. **

**But I need more contestants ! It doesn't have to be from a book you know. TV, video games etc. If I don't put your idea in it, then I probably don't know who they are. I'll put up the contestants in my bio. (which is empty at the moment)**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story.**

**Silverfang4**


End file.
